crumbling paper

i feel so irritated and disappointed with everything. heard of big hopes bring big failures. i think its more of big effort bring more downfalls.

i feel so unappreciated for everything that i have been doing. when u care for a friend and that friend doesnt get it. thinking that their shallow friends who speak of lovely words are their best friends. when ur closest friend whom u thought would be the friends for lifetime change and u no longer can open up to him as u did. why care for ur friends so much.

when you try your best with all ur strength, thoughts, actions to fight for something you thought is good and worth pushing for, at the expense of half your world, and someone come and took over what ever u did. and everyone felt there was direction set when what you and that guy have been doing is similar. one came in with such authority and direction that others would love to meet up again even if its pointless or talk 2hours over something that could be done over 20mins. maybe ones character is born such that he must talk alot and lead ppl to join him and reach to a conclusion. maybe thats wad charisma means. if thats the case, im Mr Plain Jane. i will just go with the flow, support, and continue to keep it in prayer. pls dun fall leader. i will be v disappointed not just with u, but with myself, for not taking the initiative to lead, and others for they see with their eyes. sorry, just being frank.

when u come home, u see your work load you have and just the thought of running through them in your mind is tiring enough. when foreseeing that u will be facing financial problems, ask your closest mom for help and pay for the camp fee, she would say till as if $40 is saved from 200 20cents coins she’d save from arguing with the fishmonger for a discount. it makes u just so embarrass to ask her for money at a age like this. but mom, dont u know till now that i wouldnt ask for help unless im really pretty much at the end of the jetty. and when u look at the whole family culture, u would helplessly hope to be born in another family- fun loving, caring, outgoing, supportive. instead of always focusing on success, money and winning.

maybe i should just be more selfish. for no one thing is worth investing for forever. be more Mr Loner for no friends are worth your effort. why do i have to always go against the changes and try to do the best with the motto ‘The Best is Yet to Be’. maybe we shld go with changes, go with the flow. it might just make u into a better man. i have given up a big part of my principle: love others more than self, to give more that what others deserve.

Lord, i will stop doing all these things. it may be its all from my interpretation right from the start. im just going to focus more on You, focus more on me. Dont let me down God, or i would just head down with no more reason to live properly-either become a selfish man full of sorrows and emptiness or a living dead man walking.